Off The Record: On Religion, Politics & Equality
Dear Mr. Brown:
I want to thank you for drawing our attention to that rascal Elizabeth Warren. We would have never known she wasn’t Comanche (or was it Cherokee?) unless you told us. I mean, as you said (I paraphrase your eloquence) that ole gal looks white.
I too have struggled with this problem. My great grand people swooped over from France through Canada and finally landed in Minnesota. My gentleman forbearers married themselves a couple of foxy Cree ladies before they skipped over the border. In exchange for getting white husbands, they had to hand over their rights as tribe members. But, thank goodness they did or I wouldn’t be here!
Now, I am really, really white. I mean, practically transparent. Blond hair, blue eyes, I burn to a crisp in the sun. So you would never know, as my Great Aunt Shirley told me, that she and my grandma Ruth had powder put on their faces as children to lighten them up a little bit (tone down the Cree for cripes sake!). My mom is dark – well, compared to the predominant Eastern European-ness of me and my siblings; dark hair, hazel eyes, skin that could be taken for olive in the right light.
And then there’s my husband. Don’t even get me started on that! When he was little (six maybe?) he was called a nigger by some 12-year-old neighborhood heritage spotters. No, he is in fact half Indian (East) and half honky (Irish Catholic). Those twerps were so wrong; they could have learned a thing or two from you and your inborn HerataMeter ™. You would have helped them understand they should have called him a towel-head instead.
Anyhoo, keep up the good work. And keep up the tomahawk chops and war cries coming. It looks good in the media. My only regret is that I don’t live in your state (I’m in NY) and can’t vote for you. Know I am there in spirit.
PS. extra credit if you can tell via this letter what European country my grandpa was born in. Here’s a hint – it rhymes with Fleck Fleeflublic.