This is the second post in what I hope will be a series of guest bloggers from around the internet. In an effort to be all places at once, I am going to be reaching out to writers everywhere to bring stories to my readership that I believe are important, in-depth and in some cases, completely hilarious.
Enjoy, stay tuned, and if you have any suggestions or submissions, please email them to email@example.com
By: Roger Fallihee
Even a blind squirrel [or, chipmunk] finds an acorn once in a while and GOP Congressman John Boehner is no exception.
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Spending the day listening to one Republican after another complain about how Congress should vote against the health care bill because “the American people overwhelmingly don’t want it” and “nobody in good conscience should have to see their hard-earned tax dollars fund abortions,” it occurred to me that Congressman Boehner (among many others) have hit on an important and game-changing idea.
They are absolutely right. If you are opposed to abortion you should not have to endure the pain of knowing that your tax dollars might fund the murder of an innocent baby.
Maybe you don’t want any of your tax dollars to be spent on an art exhibit that displays Jesus in a bottle of urine. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.
Maybe you’re on a zero carb diet and you oppose federal subsidies for sugar. Makes perfect sense.
Maybe you think that murdering innocent Iraqi citizens goes against your Christian values and you don’t want to support that either. Who can argue with that logic?
What I propose to solve this simple problem is for the I.R.S. to include the following questionnaire with our tax forms. This is only a brief example of what the final form might look like.
Please indicate which programs you approve of and which ones you don’t so that the government can properly appropriate your tax dollars. Unless otherwise stated, please answer all questions with a simple Yes or No.
1) Do you support farm subsidies for foods that you or your family don’t eat? (If you answered “NO” please attach a list of all foods that you think suck so we can make sure that none of your money goes to those farmers).
2) Would you like to be directly involved in all decisions regarding war and peace? (If you answered “YES” please include your email address so the Pentagon can solicit your approval for any upcoming wars, skirmishes, or illegal occupations. Also, please let us know how you feel about homos in the military).
3) Do you support any public transportation projects that are to be built more than one hundred miles from your home?
4) Are you cool with the kids (that you so strongly defended while they were in the womb) getting a free hot lunch at school or do you think “fuck ‘em?” (Please answer this question either “YES” or “FUCK’EM).
If you are not Caucasian please skip the following question.
5) Would you prefer not to have to interact with Negroes or Mexicans at:
a) Places of commerce (grocery stores, gun shops, tittie bars, etc).
b) Government offices, military barracks, or on the battlefield.
c) Your kid’s school (either teachers or fellow students).
d) Lunch counters or busses.
e) Pretty much anywhere within 5 miles of your house.
Please answer a, b, c, d, and e. If you answered “YES” to any of a, b, c, d, or e, your government will make a good faith effort to help you locate “White Only” institutions.
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We may have finally found a way that good, hard-working, “real Americans” can make sure that their tax dollars are properly spent.
This questionnaire is only the beginning. After Congress gets on board with the idea I’m sure it will end up to be at least 1,000 pages long.
I’m certain that if this idea was properly implemented we could eliminate the anguish that many taxpayers feel when their own moral compass is shattered by the unfeeling, cold-hearted federal government.
Congressman Boehner, my hat’s off to you today. You’ve come up with some hope and change that I can believe in.
By the way, I wouldn’t mind getting back my money that went to finance those fucking bicycle trails in South Carolina. I’ll never use them and I have bills to pay.
Thanks to Roger for cross-posting here. Stay tuned for his upcoming review of “The 5000 Year Leap” Visit his blog on Open Salon here.